1. Talk to a kid. You were born wrong because born into the wrong kind. Born fucked up, doomed, damned, dirty. Born bad. Born into the sinister species, the shady species. Bad luck, son. The butterfly, the bird, the bear - not so much. They weren't hatched from foul soil. They're not fallen. But you know something? I know a guy.
2. He's a magic man. Does it remind you of that Heart song? Try try try to understand he's a magic man? Yeah, that's the one, that's the guy. He was like a barefoot wandering jujitsu master. Tramping around the Galilee, singing all the songs with the chickadees. This motherfucker could turn water into wine - but you shouldn't drink that shit you know. This motherfuker could turn water into wine and make the trains run on time in the windmills of your mind. He could shake a stick and make Laz stand upright and gasp. But it wasn't all gravy for our guy. For the Magic Man.
3. Pontificus Maximus had it in for him. You think you got it bad being born into the wrong species? You don't know how good you got it. Pontificus Maximus put a bounty on his head and bloodhounds on his trail. Sprang up on him in a park, middle of the night. Guy named Judas dropped the dime, hung himself the next night.
4. Let's walk you through the stations of the cross. This is his passion. Passionate times for some kind of crimes. What kind of crimes? Well that's a good thing you asked. You're doing good. Passionate times with thorns in the head and a wooden ship on his back and it's heavy as a Volkswagen. Can you imagine walking through the fucked up fellaheen streets of Jerusalem City and they're spitting on you and throwing shit at you, tripping you? You're stumbling, you're puking. They're whipping you like a broke down ox sputtering in the mud.
5. The crimes are yours, buddy. Don't cry. Don't feel bad about it. He took it on for you. Just be grateful. The Magic Man said he was going to do one thing: He was gonna get the ever-loving shit kicked out of him and hang on the mast of a ship between two thieves with nails going through his hands and he was just gonna sit there and groan into the long night. For you.
6. And now cuz he did that, you're good. You're good to go. You made him do it. He did you a favor. They used to sacrifice chicken and goats and shit but it wasn't enough. It was getting ridiculous. He said let's just get this shit over with once and for all. One last big one. Shoot the moon. They strung him up. Mud and rain and shit streaking his hair, getting into his cuts. Yeah, it was gruesome. But he did it for you. He was a good dude, the best dude. And now you owe him everything.
